老爸和老妈，我要说谢谢你们给我的一切， 一个美满的家庭， 与其把我带进这个世界。我也要为许多我做的事和没做到的事说一声对不起。我很高兴你们是我的父母，就算给我个机会从选，我也希望你们是我的父母，我会激励做个值得你们为荣的儿子。

I guess its time I made confessions to those who had worried about me. For 3 months, I have been nothing but an empty shell, a person who has no will to live, yet no courage to die. I fear Death, I will admit that, I do not wish to die at this stage, but yet, I have not the will to live, right now, I truly believe that a person like me has no place in this world, that I am a person who do not deserve life, but yet, I am alive, and for that reason, I do not attempt to seek death, for I own no rights to my life, for each day my parents are alive, I cannot die without their leave, and I do not wish in anyway to ask their leave for death, for the guilt in me doing that is enough to stop me.

I am a person who deserve no life, for I am not even worthy of being called human, I am nothing more then a green monster who lost to Envy, Pride and Sloth. 3 Months ago, I realize I am not capable of a simple emotion called Love; I do not have anything in this world that I cannot part with or that my heart will ache over, if I even have a heart, I do not have the confidence to even say that. I hate myself for saying this, but I realized that even if my parents were to die before my eyes, I will not feel sadness or pain, in fact, nothing more then disgust or guilt that I feel nothing. I know this well because my cousin died a year and a half ago to cancer, a cousin I will call brother, but yet, on his death, I felt nothing, I felt guilt for not being there, I felt disgust and guilt at myself for being such a devil that I only think about going back to comfort family members to improve their view of me. I have not likes, no hobbies, and ENVY makes drive me mad every time I see others with a passion for things they like, be it their girlfriend, football, computers, games, parents, etc. I tried very hard to think of something in the past 21 years of my life that I liked and have a passion in, and nothing ever came into my mind. And I always hated the me who do not fit in anywhere because there is nothing I can share about whenever people get into conversation about things they liked or not. You ask me why I make no effort to find a girlfriend, this is the simple reason, I am a person who is not even capable of a simple liking to do something, do not even mention love for family members, or love for another person all together. I desire a mate, but desires does not equals that I should have one for I do not have the qualifications to have one. Right now, I truly wish to learn this emotion called liking or loving, it can be for anything, for my parents, for a sport, or even for simple things as a song, but I do not know how. I have forgotten, or maybe I never knew this emotion, and I guess, lacking the most fundamental of emotions, is enough to say that this world has no need for someone like me. Whats worse is, I am a person who is inherently selfish, doing things only for my own benefit, for my own satisfaction. I have only ever given up seats in public transport for the needy never because i felt kind or pity, but only because i know if i do not, i will feel guilt, guilt that causes me anguish. Consumed by Envy, possessed by Sloth, Deep in Arrogance, fit with pent-up Wrath is probably where I am now.

But that have to change, for time is never still but before that, I will like to confess things to a lot of people:

To all who know and acknowledge me, I am truly glad to have met each and every one of you, no matter what our relationship was or is, it has been part of my pitiful existence and proof that I still exist, no matter how pitiful the existence is.

To all who regard me as a friend, I am truly sorry to have been such a useless and unreliable friend to everyone. I know I am not a person anyone can come to when you have problems. Neither is I a person who most people will remember unless needed. But nevertheless, you have thought of me as a friend, and I truly thank you for just that.

To Kang Xiang, Kunlin, Shiwei, Guan Bing, Teck Yian, Kimhau:

I am really glad to have spent the happiest days of my life with you guys. You guys were there for me despite how useless I am. You guys were the one who make me feel part of a cliché, a true group of friends that even though I have not been honest, truthful or even reliable to, you guys are still my buddies, 8 years and going. I will always remember every single one of you guys, and as useless and as unreliable as I am, I truly wish to be of use to each and every one of you, both to repay the friendship you have given me, and to be from this point on a better friend. I am truly sorry for saying earlier that I have nothing in this world that I love or cannot part with, for I do not wish to lie, and that is the honest truth, but I wish to change that, for even though if right now I will feel nothing if one of you were to disappear, each and everyone of you have, to me, treated me as a close friend, and I wish that I too, can be treat you as a friend I hold close to my heart, a friend that I will be truly sad if you were to be gone. I also like to say sorry to some;

To Kunlin, I like to confess that at some point in time, I really hated you, for when I lost to the Envy in me, I hated you for being so social able, for being able to achieve and do things I am not able to do, things like able to make friends out of everyone you meet, for able to be well liked by everyone you know, and for simply having so many people you can call friends, I hated myself for hating you at those points in time now but in the end, its my lack of power over Envy, yet you have been a good friend and for feeling that, I really wish to say ‘I am sorry’, and from this point on I want to make up for whatever I have done.

To Shiwei and GuanBing, you guys are always the reliable friends that I can turn to for help, yet I have not been a person that you can look for when you need help. There are points in time when I really wished that I can get to know you guys better, that you guys will share more about yourself, but thinking back, the fact that I have not been honest with anyone as well, I am really sorry for even thinking that you do not see me as good friend.

To Kang Xiang, you have known me the longest, and you probably seen more of my ugly sides then I realized, I wish to apologise for everything I have done that has done wrong to you, for there is too many to be listed here. But having you as a friend since primary school, a friend since the time when I have proper memories of, I am truly happy, I will do my best to be more honest with you as well, and to be a more reliable friend that you can count on whenever you are in need.

To Teck Yian and KimHau, I probably done you guys wrong along the way without realizing it, and even though we barely see each other for a long time, I am still glad that you remember me, and that from this point on, I will strive to be someone you will remember even in the years to come.

To Charmaine, Kaixin, Shijia, WeiKong, Andrew, Benny. I like to say both 'Sorry' and 'Thank you', for although we have not been in contact much since the end of school days, to me, all of you have been people that I always remember, friends that even though I have not share much with you, you still count me as one.

To Hazwan, Raymond, Han, Desmond, Kian Hai and Kenny. You guys made my Army life fun, buddies that I can count on when I am outcaste by everyone else. People that although I do not know you well, I am glad that you guys were there, for otherwise, life in army would have been hell, I also thank everyone that were in BMT with me, for those were truly happy days, when I felt part of a bigger group. And I hope we can still be buddies, even though NS is over and we now go our separate ways, and I from this point on, will do all I can to help if you are ever in need, for you have saved me from the hell of loneliness. To Jason and David from my Summer Vacation Attachment, thanks for making my attachment a fun place, sorry for not being such bastard during those times, but I am glad that I met you guys and to a better friendship in the future. Same to all the other VA Officers who although I did not interact much with, I hope to know you guys better.

To all those who have ever worked with me before, be it in SSSM or OCS or anywhere else, I wish to say I am sorry for when ever I have done, for I have done many things in my knowledge or out that pissed you off or harmed you in anyway,for being such a arrogant and stubborn bastard especially for those who have been through OCS with me, I know that at times, SLOTH drived me, PRIDE made me dictator-like and worse of all, I have never been approachable because somewhere in me, I always hated people who wanted to go OCS(I never wanted to be there except for the simple reason that I got in and my Dad was really happy, I could not bring myself to quit after seeing how happy he was) for I think they are hypocrites, but right now, I know very well that I have been one myself too, and I wish to say sorry, and to Jason, you have been a great help, no matter how you think of me, I truly felt grateful.

And all who worked with me before and disgusted by my arrogant and lazy ways of doing things, I will like to say sorry, and if I do it again, do not hesitate to point out to me, I wish to know if I am doing it, and change, for I know not, when I do it.

To Meixuan, Weimin, Jovn, Tracy, Zhengjie, Phil, Aaron, Sam, Sean, Garrick, Farehan and Yuan. I have not known you guys for very long, and I have not been honest most of the time, but you guys made my life in UK much better than the hell of loneliness I will have otherwise been in. I am never a social able person, I am afraid to put my trust into people but despite my lack of effort to make friends, you guys still became friends with me. I know I done a lot of things that probably made you angry, especially Jovn, Sam, Yuan for SSSM stuff, Sean and Garrick for being such a horrible course mate and project mate. But all in all I am glad to have become friends with all of you. I like to confess at this point that a lot of times I hate the fact that I do not truly have a closer cliché then you guys were, and the fact that a lot of you have within yourself closer friends that I am to you within Manchester, and that so many of you so much more social able then I am able to be, but that is just me, the coward who let the Envy within me drive me. I wish to change that, I first like to say I am Sorry, I like to try harder, but its harder then I thought to fight Envy and Sloth, I like to become a friend that you will approach not just when you need me or want something from me, but also for no reason at all, to be part of a cliché that I can be more honest with, and to learn to trust people more. I want to change from the unreliable and horrible person who you otherwise will avoid to a friend you will remember. To all others in UK, especially new friends I just made like Jeremiah, Victoria Jennie, Eunice and others like Daniel and gang, Brian and Gang, Alison and gang, Zhiwei, Clifford and Weeloon, I want to know you guys better, but pardon me if I done things to piss you off, I do not ever intend it, and I know not when I do it, but do point out to me, rather then to keep quiet, for if I can change, I will.

And to my dearest Sister, you have been the person who know me the best, and the oone person I have been truly honest with whenever I have the chance to talk to you, surprising, as such close friends and siblings, the chances of we spending time together have been surprisingly little but that do not change the fact that, I still see you as my closest friend, and I will dare to say now that I am 21 and pass that stage, that at some point in my teens, I probably had a Sister Complex problem and you have in many ways shaped my perception the kind of girl I will end up with sometime in life. But still I am sorry for there is many things about me that I have not dare to tell even you, for I always wanted to appear the reliable brother you can count on, but I probably will rely more on you from this point on as well.

To those who think I am some kind of a smart-ass/genius/ lying bastard, fuck off, to all the ‘friends’ who our friendship turned sour or gone just because of differences in results, I just like to say to you, to me, I have a different way to justifying success, and academic results are ranked LOWEST in my priority, and for that I care not what results I get, for that reason a lone, I tend not to put in effort, and because of you guys, I have becoming hateful of my results when ever they are above average, I feel no happiness from doing well, only regrets, for the lack of effort and for the impact on others. I hate it when people ask me if I am have been studying even though I just told them I have not, if you want to know if I have been secretly studying during the times you dun see me, why not just come and see for yourselves, I hate people who lie about studying and I made it a point NEVER to lie about it myself, and for your information, its not that I am a genius who can do well without studying, yes, I do not put in much effort, but I know my learning method well enough to be able to do enough with the small amount of time and effort I put into studying. But to those who always thought I am a genius for being the idiot I am, I will do what I can to live up to your expectations, but I like to reemphasize that even to the very end, tangible academic or work results are not what I consider success.

I know I have not been through any hardships in life, and that for me to say that I have lost my will to life seems immature and childish to some, but still that is how I feel.

I have been wearing a mask for so long that I no longer know which where is the real me, and I know not the way to take of this mask of isolation. But I do realize now that without getting closer to people, the layers of the mask will only get thicker, and never thinner, and although each broken friendship and betrayal makes its thicker, there is still people who gave me enough warmth to melt it away. I wish to change, I want to be able to feel like, passion or love for something, and to be truly human, but I am still afraid, for I have yet to overcome neither Envy nor Sloth, and even though I can feel guilt, I feel no sadness, but in everyway I can, I like to become a better person, to be needed truly as a friend and not for material stuff, for loneliness is painful no matter what.

I probably dare not to say or discuss any of this with anyone at all if face to face and there is still things that I dare not even type out yet, but after 3 months of thinking, isolation and loneliness, I guess I need a starting point to restart, and once again, I am Sorry Everyone.